Big Papi hit his 300th Homerun and it's Brady's Birthday!
Big Papi hit his 300th Homerun. Quite an accomplishment, he must be proud.
I know when I bedded my 300th woman I was like a proud father. And this was before condoms were even invented which makes it that much more impressive.
Totally untrue and quite frankly disgusting. First of I am not that old. Second off unprotected sex is nothing to joke about. It’s something to wake up and regret, maybe lose a steady two to three weeks of sleep over. Oh and it’s something to maybe see a Doctor about if the itch/burn combination doesn’t go away. Yeah it’s that, definitely that, but never funny! So remember kids, unprotected sex is only for two people who are deeply in love.
**This Just In: Coming Soon: FenwayParkFans.com crotch spray!
"MMMM..Smells Like Fenway Franks Down There!" ....
Unless those two people happen to be ugly in which case they must pretend she’s a prostitute in a bad neighborhood and wrap it up. It’s all in the rulebook.
But back to Papi and his accomplishment. Do you realize that only so many (translation: more than I want to guess and I can either look up a number or write this, I’m not doing both) people have done that?
Okay, I looked it up. David Americo Ortiz just became the 124th person to hit 300 Homeruns. And all but 58 came in a Sox uniform (translation: I don’t want to do the math). And bunches of them came at Fenway.
And don’t expect him to slow down. You know, like he did at the beginning of the year. When he slowed down. Or stopped really, just stopped. But don’t expect that again. He has 2 Homeruns in his past 6 games and now has 11 on the season; a season that just a couple months ago you would have taken 8 Homeruns come October with a smile. Now I wouldn’t be surprised to see him hit 30 on the season. And if you don’t think that he can hit 20 in a half season then you’re a negative dink and I don’t want to talk to you. Yes I just brought dink back!
Another thing that I didn’t cover with Wake getting his first All Star nod was Jason Bay. He led the AL outfielders in votes this year. An outfield that consists of Ichiro and Josh Hamilton. I say again, ICHIRO and JOSH HAMILTON.
Okay, maybe I shouldn’t have JOSH HAMILTONED the Josh Hamilton. He’s not a household name yet but if he gets in the Homerun Derby again this year and does even half of what he did in New York he might be on July 14th. And Ichiro is just Ichiro, he only has one name. Like Shakira! Where’s she been, Shakira? She’s PAREEETTTYYYYY hot isn’t she?
Which brings me to this, have we signed her yet and can she even play baseball? And does it truly matter? I’d pay her to stand there while I forfeited games but I don’t run the show. And I guess she’d have to have a position right? I think Shakira, Shortstop. Say them both; Shakira, Shortstop. Just rolls off the tongue.
And what about Bay? I hear we are going to “talk” with him over the break but talking and signing are two different things. You can call phone sex and “talk” with a woman but that doesn’t mean you just got laid. If it did I wouldn’t be a virgin with a huge phone bill! We need to sign this man right away. Which is why I’m starting the Jason Bay Watch. Until he is signed I will write something in each and every column. It’s kind of like my “are we there yet.” Who knows maybe they are reading. And if you are don’t rule out Shakira.
But alas kiddies like all good things this must come to an end. And things that suck drag on and on and on and freakin stab me in the face NOW on…
Unfortunately these articles don’t suck. And I’m getting tired. So I’ll close with my thoughts on UFC 100. And a few Happy Birthdays since my whole entire freakin family was born in the same month. I’m taking donations if anyone wants to throw some money my way for food. That I can trade for prostitutes. I know a pimp that will take anything.
UFC 100, Saturday night. If you don’t know that it is on then chances are you won’t care what I have to say, you can skip this. If you do chances are you too don’t care what I have to say but please read on. Someone has to. And if you do skip it check out the Birthdays, they’re my credits.
There are so many good fights I could write a whole article on this card alone but I’m only going to give you a few. These are my free ones. You want more you gotta call my hotline. And just so you know for $4.99 a minute not only will I give you my picks but I’ll give them to you all sexy and shit. Believe me, the way I say rear naked choke is worth twenty bucks a minute, you’re getting a steal!
Stephan Bonnar knocks out Mark Coleman at the end of the 2nd with a spinning backfist then pounces on him just as the round is coming to an end. Mario Yamasaki jumps in and stops the fight just as the bell rings but it’s already over; Bonnar has won.
Actually who the fook knows what’s gonna happen, but I do see Bonnar knocking him out.
Dan Henderson knocks out Michael Bisping in the first freakin round. Bisping is an ignorant prick and Henderson truly despises him. This is going to be one of the quicker ones of the night. Where do I get this shit?
GSP beats Thiago Alves in the fight of the night, unanimous decision. After the decision is read and his arm is raised St. Pierre will announce his retirement.
“I wanted to fight a bear next, like Will Ferrell did in Semi Pro but can’t find a bear willing to fight me! It is with a evy art that I must retire.”
Brock Lesnar beats Frank Mir by ground and pound the end of the first round. The first 45 seconds or so they feel each other out, no one really doing anything special. Then Lesnar shoots but Mir avoids him. Mir avoids him as best as he can until the inevitable happens, Lesnar gets his hands on him. He makes him pay for hanging on to that lock a bit too long. Next target: Yamasaki.
After he puts on his belt and talks to Joe Rogan about the fight he turns to the locker room.
“GSP, I’ll fight you.”
“I’m retired.” GSP will yell from the back.
All of that is going to happen, seriously.
And lastly I’d like to wish a Happy Birthday to (in order of appearance):
My Nephew Brady
Nan
Rick
Mom
And later on in this month my Dad. Who is no longer with us so whatever you were going to get for him you can mail to me. My size will work, not his.
For the fabulous FenwayParkFans.com, Boston Bob...out! Bitches!